Nothing like seeing the husband off for a couple days out of town, and suddenly being given a household problem that you can’t deal with. Really makes you feel like a girl.

If you’ve ever had the chirping smoke alarm experience, you know it’s hell. I know I’m not the only one, because I’ve found message boards and seen an episode of Modern Family that proves others have experienced this despair of trying to get the damn thing to STOP MAKING THAT BLASTED NOISE. It is a little bit like being in a sitcom. Smoke alarm is chirping, gotta figure out which one. Someone’s battery is dead. Must be this one. Nope. Maybe it’s that one. Nope. So you’re changing batteries and resetting them (which is very loud) and the chirping just keeps going.

We’re going on 30 hours of chirping. Mostly due to my ineptitude. And since I’m a girl (and pregnant) and we have no ladder and I don’t know how to fix smoke alarms… well, let’s just say it’s not ideal.

I’m certain I’ve isolated the source of the chirping to the hallway. My husband will insist it’s one of the other ones. But I can’t reach the other ones anyway, so there’s not really anything I can do to test them. And either way, I’m sure I’m correct that the chirping is coming from the hallway.

This has happened to us before. I think it was about 5am that time. After frantically changing ALL the smoke alarms to no avail, we realized it was a carbon monoxide detector we had plugged into the wall. It’s definitely not the carbon monoxide detector this time. I’m telling you, it’s the one in the hallway.

Slight catch — we have two in the hallway. One is an ADT smoke alarm. The more I reset the regular unit, the more I think it might be that ADT alarm. Wouldn’t you know, I can’t figure out how to call ADT to check. I can figure out how to call ADT to buy ADT, and yet when I’m a current customer and need help with my system, I can’t find anything. No troubleshooting, no helpful phone numbers, nothing. Their website only wants to sell me ADT. Also can’t find much information as to whether or not their detectors actually even make that noise. But I’ve replaced the battery and reset the other one according to instructions about a million times.

And it’s not the ones in the bedrooms. It’s in the hallway.

Honsetly, it’s just not that big of deal after a while. Dealing with it was so much more frustrating than not dealing with it. Last night I said, “I’m done!,” and I went downstairs and watched Parks and Rec on my DVR. Then I tried a few more things and again gave up. Eventually I decided just to sleep in the downstairs guest room with the bathroom exhaust fan. It was 2am by then, but I slept like a baby. I wished I had given up about two or three hours sooner.

Ruby’s not thrilled. This morning she tried to get in my shower.

Mike is going to arrive home at about 12:15 am and I know he’s going to be bustling about the house trying to fix it. I was really hoping to have it fixed before now.

I considered a baseball bat solution, but even then I knew it wouldn’t help! … That, and I don’t have a baseball bat. Damn these extra-safe, hard-wired smoke detectors. They are such a pain in the arse! The battery operated ones just need new batteries. These things are so darn fickle to reset, we’ve had a hard time before getting them to let go of their low battery warning.

We really need to never let the battery get remotely low ever again. If that’s even why its going off, I really have no idea! At least it only chirps every 45 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. I also measured the decibels in each of the rooms, if you’re curious. Not every home-alone wife would think of that.

But, I’m sure he’ll arrive home and go change another battery and it will stop. And I’ll feel like such a girl!

Today a guy used a pre-made, printed sign in his car to call me a MORON. Yep. He had a sign already in his car.

Here is a man who is already aware that everyone else is going to be so inferior to him that he needs to MAKE signs IN ADVANCE that say derogatory things, and keep them HANDY whilst driving in rush hour on the interstate so he can harass other drivers and insult them via the afore-mentioned signs. (I’m only assuming he had more than one for the sake of argument. This is unconfirmed.)

Are you kidding me? WHO DOES THAT? Is this a thing that people do? The driving conditions that brought on his anger are baffling to me. I’m typically a defensive driver to a fault, and I would have had to do something unheard of for his reaction to seem reasonable. My mere existence merging his lane was that offensive that he had to wear out his horn and pull out his sign as I merged into the next lane 10 seconds later. Even if I had actually cut him off — which I would admit if I did — I can’t imagine any scenario in which his behavior would seem normal!

I suppose if you drive like you’re the only person on the road — as this gentleman was doing — you probably feel like you need to yell at an awful lot of people. Hence, creation of SIGN THAT SAYS MORON… I guess.

Road rage is one thing. Horrible and dangerous, but somewhat spontaneous. But this takes road rage to a whole new level that I never considered! So pre-meditated and organized. He one day decided he needed a more convenient (and offensive) way to yell at all the drivers who pissed him off that he MADE A SIGN.

And to think I gave him a thank-you wave. (I ALWAYS use signal and a thank-you wave in traffic.) Karma is a b*tch, buddy! You enjoy driving like a maniac so that you have an excuse to use your sign.

A man walks into a sandwich shop near his office park. Inside, there’s a menu of sandwiches. Each one is made by a different sandwich maker. His boss gave him a card for a Chicken Sandwich, so that’s what he’s going to get. It’s ‘free,’ right? He thinks.

There’s some construction in the sandwich shop, with a cheeseburger stand that might open. A lot of people in the office park were really excited about the cheeseburger. The cheeseburger would be another choice, and they heard the cheeseburger would be really cheap. Those other different sandwich guys were starting to raise the costs on those sandwiches by a lot. A lot of people still had their cards from their bosses, but some people didn’t get them all the time. They were hoping they could either get the cheeseburger, or that the other sandwiches would get a little cheaper for the times they didn’t have the cards from their bosses.

But the manager of the sandwich shop was not happy. He was worried that he’d have to start making less money on his other sandwiches, and he wanted to keep his big boat that he bought after he made the sandwiches really expensive. So he told a few people in the office park that the cheeseburgers would be really bad.

“You don’t want those cheeseburgers to come here! They’ll make all the other sandwiches taste bad! And you’ll get poisoned! And there’s bugs in the cheeseburger! The people who make the cheeseburger were not even born here and therefore not allowed to even make sandwiches!”

Whew, the manager thought. That might have worked. Suddenly the people to whom he told the stories were spreading them around the office park! Everyone was confused now, and they weren’t sure they wanted cheeseburgers anymore. They knew some people at the other office parks really liked the cheeseburgers, and that some of the retired workers were able to buy cheeseburgers. But they were very very skeptical about the buggy, poisoned, not-born-here cheeseburgers and what those dangerous cheeseburgers could lead to!

However, other people insisted that the cheeseburger would be a good choice, just incase you didn’t get the card from your boss or if you were too hungry to get one of the other sandwiches. They warned that the stories weren’t true, and the manager was just mad because he wanted to keep raising the prices on the other sandwiches so he could keep his boat.

While he was waiting in line, the man looked over at the empty, under-construction cheeseburger stand. It was gathering dust because the people had been arguing about it for what seemed like a million years. So long, in fact, that some people didn’t get their cards anymore, and couldn’t buy any of the other sandwiches either because they were so expensive if you didn’t have the card.

But in the shop there are still many people selecting sandwiches, many of them with different cards. Some people are buying the sandwiches without cards, for a bunch of different prices. Some people are walking out of the restaurant with nothing, but the man is not sure why. Some people look over at the cheeseburger stand, wishing it was open. Some of the people are really really hungry, some are not, but everyone is in line for the sandwiches.

The man thinks that someday he might want to get a cheeseburger; maybe if there’s no more boss to give him the card for the chicken sandwich. And the cheeseburger is supposed to be a really good deal. In fact, the makers of the other sandwiches in the restaurant will probably have to lower their costs to compete with the cheeseburger. People like all the other sandwiches too, not everyone wants or needs the cheeseburger. But some people are really hungry, with no cards from their bosses, and there’s no cheeseburger to choose. Also, the man doesn’t think the manager should be able to have a boat just because the people in the office park are hungry and have to either buy his sandwiches or not eat lunch.

But then the man thinks: what if those rumors might be true! I don’t need a cheeseburger today. I shouldn’t worry about those other people who might want a cheeseburger. Maybe this cheeseburger stand shouldn’t exist! After all, I have this card for the Chicken Sandwich. Why should anyone get to choose the cheeseburger?

The man decides that there should absolutely be no cheeseburger! Why should the cheeseburger maker recieve any money from the people in the office park? So what if it’s affordable? He doesn’t need it, because he has his card. Everyone else should work for that card themselves, and then they can get Chicken Sandwiches. And the manager probably needs that boat for his parties. Maybe someday the man could buy a boat too, and have parties. The people who told him the stories were talking really really loudly, so the stories must be true.

He laughs to himself, and doubts this simple cheeseburger’s ability to keep the cost of the other sandwiches low. Besides, he doesn’t care if the chicken sandwich is more expensive in the absence of the cheeseburger. He doesn’t mind that the cost of the card from his boss covers the extra people that work on the chicken sandwich versus the cheeseburger. He doesn’t have to pay for the card, his boss does. Besides, there was so much office park money spent on last year’s dogeball tournament with the other office park. The man thought that money was okay, but didn’t think they needed to spend any money on cheeseburgers even if the workers are hungry.

While thinking about this, the man gets really hungry himself! It’s his turn in the line for the Chicken Sandwich. The man steps up to the front and orders with his card.

The vendor says, “I’m sorry, sir. You’re too hungry for this Chicken Sandwich. We can’t give it to you.”

“But I have this card,” the man says. “The card says when I’m hungry I get a Chicken Sandwich.”

“I’m sorry,” the vendor says. “We have this rule here that says if you are this type of hungry we cannot provide this Chicken Sandwich to you. You would require too much Chicken Sandwich.” The vendor pulls out a big stack of paper and shows the man a list of hunger types that void the ability to get a Chicken Sandwich.

“But I have this card,” the man says.

“I’m sorry. This card doesn’t cover this kind of hungry.”

“What am I supposed to eat, then?” The man asks.

The vendor explained that the man could buy a chicken sandwich, but he’d have to pay a really large amount of money for the sandwich. Or the man could go back and wait in one of the other long lines and pay for one of the other sandwiches. Or, if he wanted, he could just stay hungry or hope he never gets hungry anymore.

The man was baffled. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t have his lunch. Suddenly, he understood the cheeseburger! Because he worked in the office park, he would be entitled to get the cheeseburger for a lower price! Or maybe if the cheeseburger existed, he could still get his Chicken Sandwich with his card because the vendor wouldn’t want to lose his business.

The man looked at the cheeseburger stand with disgust. He was very hungry, and very upset. He suddenly realized why other people were leaving without any food, and like them, he just went back to work. He was hoping he didn’t get any hungrier, or he’d have to buy one of those really expensive sandwiches just to get by.

The manager could see the man from the kitchen. He laughed and laughed, knowing the man would have to come and buy the sandwich anyway. And then he took out a picture of his boat.

The End.

I hesitate to talk about it. These things happen and you suddenly feel very vulnerable. But I think purging the stress helps, and also maybe someone would learn from it. Although, Google analytics said I have zero readers. Zero. I guess at least the identity thief is not reading my blog.

So yesterday I got an email receipt for something I didn’t buy from a company that transfers money that we all know. I know better than to click on the email incase it was a fake, so I accessed my account and couldn’t get in. Like any normal girl, I called my husband at work to tell him this!

We determined that my email was also being accessed. Mike acted immediately and fixed the email account and the other account. We updated passwords and changed security questions. We also contested the charge right away. It was less than 10 minutes before the company called me. They were extremely helpful and had information I couldn’t have gotten on my own.

They knew that the person had authenticated the account with my credit card. As I already had money in this account that was spent, I never would have KNOWN he had my credit card. In fact, if I didn’t have this account, I may never have known he was stealing money. It was the immediate email receipts that I received before he changed my email password (locking me out of my account) that alerted me to this.

Within 15 minutes we had my credit card canceled and my email and other account restored to my name and new passwords. Ha! Nothing gets by us!

The moral? Well, I’m already really smart online. I never use a site that isn’t secure or doesn’t feel reputable. I believe wholeheartedly in using Etsy and buying from individuals through secure money transfer sites. And I never click on emails that tell me to enter my credit card number or anything stupid like that. (Remember, those are always fake!) So, it’s easy to feel angry: I didn’t deserve it!

I recently did some work for a personal client who said “I don’t believe in putting my credit card online, sorry.” So, would this have happened if I lived like this person? Maybe not, but I know better! Everything is automated. Your credit card is whizzing around all over the place. That person’s check was probably more likely to get stolen out of my mailbox. My purse was probably more likely to have been stolen. I just think it’s naive to think we’re only vulnerable if we use our credit card online. We hear all the time of stores getting hacked, or other databases.

Yes, it was probably from some online transaction that this person was able to snag my email and password and card number. It would have been smarter of me NOT to use the same password. This is something I KNOW and never do because it’s too hard to remember. And I do not kid when I say I was JUST thinking the other day that I’ve had my passwords too long and it was time to change them up a bit.

So, here’s what I learned:

Have different passwords for everything
Change your passwords regularly
If you suspect a breach, log into your accounts immediately an check it out
Contact the accounts as quickly as possible — my problem was FIXED! I will point out that I lost no money.
Always make sure there is a secure connection when you order online (not a silver bullet, but still a must)
Don’t assume it can’t happen to you! Even if you NEVER shop online.

And KEEP AND EYE ON EVERYTHING! Make sure your accounts all have your current email address. If I hadn’t seen that receipt, he may have had time to do more. Yeah, we check the credit card statement, but that’s only once a month.

I say take 5 minutes today and check out your accounts, change any passwords you’ve had for a while, and make sure you know how to respond quickly if you have a breach. Look up and know what you would need to do if someone took over your accounts. Oh, and your email company probably does NOT have a phone number. Also, I was very grateful that I don’t store a lot of stuff in my email. Not folders with passwords or account log-ins. I have heard that people do this! That’s crazy!

People are always looking for a quick buck, or ways to get something for nothing. I’m pretty sure that’s what this was, and nothing more. At least after Mike convinced me to stop worrying about it and move on. It was caught and fixed!

Can you guess which shorts-wearing hero is going to deliver my new, overnighted credit card? Yay, UPS!

Suddenly, there was a girl on a skateboard RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR. She came from my blind spot FLYING down the sidewalk and into the street.

I slammed on my breaks, and I gasped. She fell off the skateboard (not down on the ground, but off her skateboard). I think she was close enough that she actually put her hands on the hood. She was completely shocked and she said “sorry!” and I said “sorry!” and I sat at the stop a minute more (with my hand on my heart!) and waited while she passed and I recovered.

It was terrifying. I was almost in tears afterward. I mean, she came out of NOWHERE — I guess from in front of the library, she was going so fast. I met Mike in the parking lot right after that, and said my ‘hellos’ and ‘how was your days’ and told him about it. If he hadn’t shown up right away to distract me, he probably would have found me having a panic attack in my car.

So, how are you supposed to feel in those situations? It wasn’t even CLOSE to my fault that she flew in front of me and didn’t look or stop. But it would have been my fault if I had HIT her! I mean I was coming from a stop, but STILL. I have a goal in life to never touch flesh with my car!

I went to yoga shaken, but felt better after. I decided that hopefully the girl learned from the experience to approach stop signs with caution (or perhaps to at least pause at them) and hopefully as a result of this will not get hit by any cars in the future. I was of course reminded to be as alert as possible. (No, I was not on my phone or doing anything else at this moment.) But it never hurts to be reminded.